The Pink Taffy Manifesto

Random Thoughts From a Random Girl

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Airing of the Grievances

Yes, it is that time of year-Festivus-the holiday for the rest of us. (and in my case the perfect guise under which to send a present to HSB and his wife who are both atheists).

At work a co-worker said that since she is a Christian she doesn't celebrate Festivus. I told that I feel that this holiday could actually make your Christmas celebration more meaningful or at the very least less stressful. Why? By getting out all that anger in the most wonderful Festivus tradition of all....

THE AIRING OF THE GRIEVANCES

So what follows is a list of my grievances

The Following People Need to Get a Life (Work on your prayer life or car -just go away!)

  • Paris/Brittany/Lindsay or any other skanky starlet
  • Tom Cruise-and take your lobotomized bride with you
  • The people on "American Idol"-I like my music loud and alternative-AI is the Wonder Bread of music (check out Porcupine Tree for something new and different)
  • Donald Trump
  • Isaiah Thomas -thought you were a jerk when the Bulls kicked the crap out of you in the playoffs, now you are an even bigger loser.
  • USC (had to put that in there for you, Bruin)

The Following People Are Evil

  • Anyone who doesn't clean the snow off their car and drives around with a foot of snow on the roof to blow off on my car nearly causing me to crash
  • People who don't do their job-parents and world leaders lead the list
  • Those that cover up the crimes of others (looking in your direction Cardinal Mahoney)
  • Racists-top of the list is the President of Iran (and btw, does your mommy buy your clothes at Penny's for you?)

In a perfect world middle school teachers should be waited on by the students they refused to teach. Wonder how long it will take them to get that Diet Coke without ice?

Oh, and to the vampires in my life (the ones that would suck every last ounce of life and energy out of me)-be warned, you are going to have to find a new victim in the new year.

The producers of "Law and Order"- why haven't I seen that Jack McCoy riding up on the motorcycle shot I ask for every year?

Rex Grossman, quarterback of the Chicago Bears-for the love of all that is good- LOOK OFF YOUR RECEIVERS or we will have short stay in the playoffs.

To the library patrons who toss their cards at me or treat me like the hired help (these are very few and far between)-remember I am doing you a favor!

To that one library patron-understand this-there is not enough liquor, drugs or money that will have me find you charming.

So, that ends my list for the time being
Feel free to add

And remember, I have made a donation in your name to The Human Fund (Money for People)

Taffy

posted by Kathy @ 7:31 AM  

5 Comments:

  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    --- Bosses who never deign to acknowledge your existence unless they take a few minutes to tell you that something you've done sucks.
    --- Husbands who create a mess, won't clean, then are incredulous when you lose it because you're stressed and over-burdened. Or worse, look around the house and say, "What a mess!" even as they leave another dirty dish in the sink or pile of newspapers on the floor because they're "too exhausted" after a day of work to pick up. Aaaarrrrrggghhhh.
    --- Holiday tourists at Water Tower (or anywhere, just about any time of the year) who ride the escalators and STOP, at the top or bottom, to consultant their maps or look around, while the hordes behind them bear down with nowhere to go. Then they get snippy because they get jostled: "I don't like the city. These people are so RUDE."
    --- Teachers who teach the Whole Language theory. Note to them: SPELLING MATTERS!!!!
    --- Ditto, and moreso, for the linguistic researchers who propose that there is a national "African-American dialect" that should be recognized, legitimizing such poor grammar as "I ain't gonna" and "fi'nin' tuh" (that is, fixing to or getting ready to do something) and so on. Some think our academic tests and curricula should be rewritten to accomodate this "dialect," the way bilingual teachers are provided in some areas where there are a lot of immigrant students. Some of them are doctoral researchers at the University of Michigan!!!
    --- Chicago cabbies. They're a menace II society.
    --- TomKat, Lindsay, Britney, Jessica, Angelina et al.: Don't go away mad. Just go away.
    --- al-Fayed and the other conspiracy theorists who insist Princess Diana was murdered. Let the woman rest in peace already!

    --- ChiEditer

     

  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    BEST-POST-EVER! loved it and may just have inspired me with some ideas.
    Happy Holidays. (!)
    In the new year, in the time you save from being pushed around, you should write an episode of Law and Order, where Sam wears jeans all the time, on a visit to your home town.

     

  • At 3:21 PM, Blogger Kathy said…

    Thanks Amanda!

    I can just see it
    "A Law and Order Mystery" Jack McCoy goes on vacation, viists a Chicago suburb and disappears after visiting the local library.

    Taffy

     

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ---Dental hygiene patients who answer their cell phones WHILE I'm cleaning 20 lbs. of crud off of their nasty teeth!
    ---Dentists who don't want an office manager to take care of staff issues (Remember, they're GODS!), but don't have the "juevos" to deal with staff members who lie, cheat and steal from the office.
    ---Co-workers who lie, cheat and steal from the office, and get away with it (and get rewards like bonuses and raises, no less!)

    ***Can you tell I've had a bad day at work???***

    ---Drivers who drive along the right shoulder, so they don't have to sit in gridlock on I-95!
    ---People who park in the Fire Lane at the grocery store, thinking they are far better than we fools who stupidly park in the parking lot while we shop.

    ***Can you tell I've also had a bad day on the roads?***

    Happy Festivus! This is my kind of holiday! :-D

    Henny P

     

  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Celebrities who adopt children from other countries like they are adding another accessory to their wardrobe. I'm talking to you Brangelina and Madonna!

    Husbands who believe in elves. They must 'cause all that cleaning, cooking, decorating and gift wrapping happens by magic!

    People who tell everyone they are on a diet which we know will last until the next birthday cake comes into the office.

    Coworkers who just schedule their vacation time without checking with others in the office to see if they might like to have a day off this century.

    Bosses (women included) who give preferential treatment to the "pretty" people in the department. It's ok if they come to work late, leave early and spend all day talking on their cell phone.

    Loud commercials! Why are commercials at 15 decibels louder than regular tv shows?

    Sportscasters and sportswriters who believe that there are only college teams on the east coast, except for U$c.

    -Bruin

     

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