Coming Clean- Promise to Use Lots of Soap

I have been thinking about the rules of war lately, given everything that has been going on in the news. Later, I will comment on the current world conflicts but right now I am going to talk about the "collateral damage" done in any kind of relationship.

There are always the harsh words and apologizes later on. You called him a "rat bastard/slob/lawn chair" and he insulted everything near and dear to you. Later, the "I'm sorrys" get said and its all forgotten or stored away for another day.

What about the things that happen that never get an "I'm sorry"- due to time, distance, or embarassment? My story has all three.

Right before I started college, my parents took my sister and I on a trip to New York (our old home- we had just move the year before) with side trip to see family and friends in Rhode Island (my birthplace) and Massachusetts. One night we went to visit friends of my parents. I vaguely remembered the kids- daughter older than I was and two sons that were the same age and my sister and I. My last memory of the older son (my age) was when they visited us in New York when I was 8. Bill tried to climb up the post of my canopy bed. "What a dork!" I thought.

Wellllllllllllll....I was sitting in their kitchen, very bored, and who should walk in the back door from basketball? Bill...tall, cute, shy Bill. We ended up spending the whole night talking and having a great time. I was not happy when it was time to go. Later when I got back from the trip I had my mother give me their address and I wrote to him (I may be Catholic, but I am from NY state so I have chutzpah!) He wrote back and we continued the correspondence all summer and after I went to college. (He was living at home and going to UMASS). There were even the occasional phone call. Sweet.

Then, though, this lonely misfit, started getting asked out in college. Going to frat parties...having the time of her life. I kept up the correspondence but it did take longer and longer to answer. Then about the time of my birthday- a letter arrived from him. Not just any letter, but a full out soul bearing one with lines like "I think I am in love with you." Whoa.

I was floored-I hadn't written anything like to him. The guy knew me only from letters. The guy had never seen me throw one of my legendary "my hair looks like shit" fits-how could he be in love with me? I should have called and nicely told him all this. I should have written and said "lets give it time and see if one of us can visit the other over spring break." That would have been the mature thing to do. There was one problem. Taffy, the 17 year old head case- was far from mature. So, like a coward, I did nothing. And I have always regretted it. The more time that went on, the harder it was to do anything about it. Until today. So, although it is over 25 years later, I am apologizing.

Dear Bill M,

I am so sorry that I was too much of a coward to respond to that letter. You took a chance putting your emotions out there like and didn't deserve what you got. You were too nice a person for that. I am really sorry.
If its any consolation that bit of bad kharma came back on me fast. I fell for a graduate student who just up and left me at Christmas- never heard from him again and it broke my heart. So I really got an inkling of how you felt. It sucked and again I am sorry. I hope that you found someone worthy of your love and kindness.

Taffy

I don't think Bill will ever read this- wonder if he even remembers- but now I feel better- silly, but true.

So, if anyone else wants to offer a cyber apology (no names or details needed)- feel free to post. Don't worry about being judged- I am in no position to do that.

Taffy