Notes From English Class

The school year is mercifully coming to an end at our home. Finals start on Friday for my son (the poor kid even has a final in phys. ed.- what the hell is that about??)

Anyway, one of the highlights of the year have been the grammar worksheets written by his freshman English teacher. I knew I was going to like him when I saw that rule five of the sylabus was "Don't talk about Fight Club!"

Here are a few highlights (I wish my teachers had this twisted sense of humor!)

1. The children, armed with an airsoft rifle and slingshot, sold dead racoons door-to-door.

2. The police confiscated seventeen hand grenades, twelve high powered rifles and one Playdough Fun Factory.

3. The Lambada, which is known as the forbidden dance, caused quite a stir at the Girl Scout fundraiser.

4. The Vikings did not celebrate Arbor Day, nor did they exchange gifts on Sweetest Day.

5. Jono believed he could impress Karen with his long flowing mullet as long as he also wore a frilly cravat.

6. Eddie, my neighbor, declared his driveway an independent country.

7. Most theologist agree that Brett Favre is the Devil; nevertheless, several dozen Packer fans continue to worship his unholy visage.

8. Edwin promised Sarah he would do something memorable on their first date. She was not surprised when he took hostages at the restaurant.

9. The SuperSoakers, which had previously been loaded with Tabasco and vinegar, proved effective in repelling the terrorist attacks.

10. The cellular company, which was formed and operated by a committee of jabbering idiots, insisted that my phone would get perfect reception standing on top of a transmission tower on a clear, summer day.

11. The students, a terribly traumatized group, were forced to spend several years in therapy after the teacher demonstrated the proper dance steps for "The Lambada."